The biggest threat to my sobriety... Becoming a parent!

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant like it was yesterday. I'd been excessively hungry for days, I had severe brain fog and everyone at work was giving me shit about probably being preggers! No chance... Or so I thought! My husband and I had been trying for a few years, and had done everything natural that we could to increase our chances, including getting sober. We had prepared ourselves for the fact it may not happen. We knew we were destined to be parents, but just weren't convinced it would happen naturally. We always said we would be more than happy adopting if we couldn't have our own. So on this particular day, I didn't allow myself to get excited, I put it to the back of my mind... However a few hours later curiosity got the better of me and I decided to pee on a spare stick I had in the cupboard from previous ill fated attempts. I'd already had two miscarriages, one when I was younger and one a few years earlier, and I'd had so many dissapointing negatives that I wasn't expecting much!

However, almost immediately I got a positive reading!! I screamed out to my husband to come and see, and we both jumped up and down hugging and crying!! However I still couldn't fully accept the good news so I insisted we go to the shops and buy another kit so I could do another test to make sure! Another positive!! Yay!!

We couldn't wait to tell everyone close to us, and to say everyone was overjoyed by the news is an understatement!! They were ecstatic!! Especially both our Mums who cried as soon as they found out!

Having two previous early miscarriages though always weighed heavily on my excitement levels, and our first ultrasound revealed I was only 5 weeks and the baby was still in the sack. A sick feeling remained in my stomach until the 12 week ultrasound where we were told everything was great and so far our baby was healthy and on track. I allowed myself to get excited for the first time! The sick feeling went away for a few weeks.... until the morning sickness started at least! 

Everything was going along smoothly until my blood pressure started to rise. But everything was still fine with the baby, and he started kicking away regularly. Until he stopped. And the sick feeling came back. After a full day of googling what could be wrong and following old wives tails to get him to move, my sister took me to emergency, where I was monitored for a few hours and lots of tests run. 

It was one of the scariest moments of my life when the nurse couldn't find a heartbeat. I'm sure many Mums have experienced that moment. Time slows down, sound disappears, and you feel like your going to faint.  Trying not to panic, I tried to point out where he could usually be found. 

Finally that familiar boom boom rang through my ears like the sweetest sound I'd ever heard. This wouldn't be the last close call, but it was by far the scariest. I was kept in a  couple of nights to monitor the baby as well as my blood pressure and protein levels... After this, overnight stays became regular until I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia and kept in hospital for the foreseeable future. At 30 weeks they gave me steroids for the baby in case they had to deliver... I kept my legs closed tight and my will to keep incubating as long as possible was strong!

I spent 6 weeks in hospital.. My birthday, AFL grand final day, NRL grand final day... Until finally during Bathurst and after 8 hours of uneventful labour, an emergency c section was ordered. My pre eclampsia had progressed to danger zone, I was induced and my waters broken. Finally on the 12th of October 2014 at 8.40pm a bundle of joy was ripped from my womb and thrust upon my chest! He was perfect! And tiny! And screaming!

 I started vomiting green stuff which resembled mashed avocado and my blood pressure went through the roof. Bub and hub were whisked away as the surgeons threw my bits and pieces back in, sewed me up, and battled to get my blood pressure down urgently. 

While all of this was going on, hubby went with bub through all of his checks and up to the ward, where he waited hours to find out how I was. Finally he was allowed into recovery to see me... He was relieved to say the least, as was I! It was pretty touch and go for a while!

Finally at 3.30am I was allowed out of recovery and up to a birthing suite to meet my baby properly! I'd like to say it was instant love, but we were both pretty wary of eachother! 'What the fuck do I do now?' I thought to myself! Luckily he instinctively found a boob and fell asleep on me. I cried silently for half hour of so, trying not to wake my husband or baby. A mixture of relief, fear, exhaustion, elation all of a sudden overwhelmed me and I had no idea what to do. I was scared to sleep but was beyond exhausted. Nobody came to check if I had any clue what I was doing, and I fell into anxiety and overwhelm pretty quickly. About 5am he started screaming which woke hubby up and I was relieved to hand him over. He settled bub quickly, put him in his crib and he went straight to sleep. Relief again! I fell asleep mid conversation and woke again when the nurses came to move us to a room.

The whole day was a whirlwind of nurses, visitors, get up and try and walk, shower, learn to change a nappy, learn to hold its head so it doesn't pop off and roll away, breastfeed, breastfeed, breastfeed! Bottle feed as well, he's tiny and you have no milk! Keep breastfeeding! He needs colostrum!!! Screaming! Everyone seeing your boobs! BREASTFEED!!!!! 

Then silence! Everyone has gone, and I'm alone with him. We are both still sceptical. I'm still exhausted. I try and sleep when he does. Scream!! He needs another feed... Shit nobody showed me how to make up the bottle. Press the buzzer for help... 'For god's sake put him on the boob!' Ok. 15 minutes later he's still crying and getting nothing. Shit nobody showed me how to use the pump! Press the buzzer for help... 'For god's sake it's not that hard!' Ok. 10 minutes later he's screaming harder, he got bugger all. Press the buzzer for help... 'For god's sake just make a bottle then!' Ok... But I don't know how. 'Where do I get everything? Where is the boiling water? How much do I make? My husband did it today, I didn't see what he did. 'Oh for god's sake!'

I'd never felt like more of a failure. I'm the worst mother on earth and it's barely been 24 hours... I need a drink! 'Where the hell did that thought come from?' I hadn't thought about drinking for quite a while and had been sober 3 years. 'Yep I absolutely need a drink!' Well that's not an option!

Finally bub went off to sleep with a full belly and I lay awake fantasising about drinking. I must of drifted off eventually, as I was awoken again by screaming and people shuffling around, another mum was moving in with me. I changed bub and made up his bottle, and tried the pump and breastfeeding again. Still terrified of the whole process. 'Shit babies are wriggly suckers!' Then an angel in the form of a nurse peeped around the curtain and said 'your nurse is on break, do you want me to take him to the nursery for you so you can get some real sleep?' How had I not heard about this before!!! Omg!!! Yes please!! 'I'll take him down for you then I'll pop back with your Endone' Oh my! Endone! 'Can I have two? I have lots of pain!' Bullshit! 'Of course!'

Fucking yes! Endone!

But I'll get to that next time!