Catching Up- 4 years later!

I recently came across my blog when it came up in my 'memories' on Facebook. I couldn't believe 4 years had passed since I began using writing as a healing tool. At the time of starting, I was in a pretty dark place. I'd had kind of a 'mental breakdown' after a few triggering experiences, that took me back to some severe childhood and young adult traumas. To be honest, I was suffering pretty hard from PTSD. I'd been sober a year at that stage, and sobriety had uncovered quite a lot of shit I'd never dealt with. Sexual abuse, attempted kidnapping, assault, miscarriages, family trauma, redundancies, relationship breakdowns, lots of shit that people go through, but that I had kept dead and buried at the bottom of a bottle.

I'd coped pretty well up until then, storing my traumas in my body and out of my head. Once I made that real conscious decision to get (and stay!) sober... Then I had nowhere to hide.

I was metaphorically stripped naked and put under a microscope... Or so it felt

I spent a lot of time on self discovery, I'd always been into personal development and I used this as another tool to scrape the shit I'd been through from my psyche. I read, I wallowed in self pity, I spent a lot of time talking to family about what had happened to me, I read my police statements, I tried to pick at the scabs that my mind had created to heal me, scratch them bare, so I could heal them properly, my own way this time. The mind is a funny thing, it protects you from traumatic experiences, especially when your not ready or able to deal with them. I had blocked out a lot of trauma, and now that fragmented pieces were coming back, I wanted to flood my brain with absolute facts so that I could make sense of it all.

The funny thing about the brain, or life, or development in general though... Is that you can't just skip ahead! There is a process... And no matter how ready you think you are, whoever the hell is in charge, the universe, or whatever, has other ideas. Slow down and feel uncomfortable with the process!

And my fucking lord was it uncomfortable! Anxiety became my best friend and constant excuse! I was frozen by it. I could barely work, I lost my business, I withdrew from a lot of my closest friends, I rarely left the house... Certainly never alone. I was going crazy, I had no income, very little support and I was done. Broke. Broken.

Breakthroughs... You have to break before you can be fixed. And nobody can fix you... Other than you. I had a couple of breakthrough moments that were absolutely key in my recovery. 1- it's up to me. End of story! If I'm going to get my shit together, then I have to be accountable and do what it takes.  2- I had to address everything head on. 3- I've gone through this shit to help others... To heal I had to open up. Which is why I started writing

I tried lots of different techniques on myself. Talking therapy, literally just talking about my experiences and connecting dots and not being ashamed of anything I'd been through. Talking to my husband and often just being held. I tried systematic desensitisation, going near places that I previously couldn't go, talking about them, googling them, and one day I woke up and just knew I had to visit the place I was kidnapped and the place I was sexually assaulted. I just had to. The feeling was so strong I made my husband take the day off work and we drove to those places and I let myself cry. I went back to being 10 and back to 16, I imagined myself comforting myself at that age now, telling myself it was ok and wasn't my fault and that I'd be ok anyway! It was then that I knew, absolutely 100% that I had to help others in similar situations and that would be my great work in life.

So... Let's skip ahead a bit. Where am I now?
- Still married to my soul mate
- Still sober (5 years!)
- I took my business back
- I have a beautiful 21 month old baby boy
- Was forced to sell my house
- Moved back to my childhood home town
- Have spent the last 4 years learning everything I can about myself
- Studied studied studied
- Forgiven
- Spending as much time coaching & counselling others to deal with their trauma

I'm sure I'll eventually fill in the gaps and travel back and forth in time to explore the ups and downs... There have been many! Healing to me is a process and a never ending quest. Some days it's easy to stay sober, to keep on the right path... Other days I have to fight tooth and nail to not drink, to not take some pills, to not give in to the 'dark side'. It's a never ending quest... Constant and continuous improvement. And without the amazing people in my life, without love, without compassion, the battle would be so much harder.

Thanks for the catch up and for your never ending love and support!