So.... since starting my blog, I've had so much feedback from friends and family about how proud they are of me, and even from random strangers who have been inspired by my stories. I really didn't even expect people to read my blog, but I've had almost a thousand views so far in only three weeks. This is incredible! I have no idea what you people see in my stories, haha.
I wanted to take a bit of a different approach to my writing. I don't want to just go on about my life and I don't want to just share funny drinking stories because I certainly don't want to glorify problem drinking. I also definitely do not want to preach. I don't expect everyone I know to want to be sober. Nor do I expect them to understand why I choose to live the sober life nowadays. Many of my newer friends have never seen me drunk (lucky them) so sometimes its hard for them to understand why I don't drink. Or my husband for that matter.
Speaking of the husband, I decided to throw him a surprise 30th Birthday party over the weekend. He really didn't want a party, mostly because usually parties end badly for us. The last major party we had was my 30th, and deliberately wasn't at home, and he was already sober by this stage, and I was teetering on the edge of sobriety and only had a couple of drinks.
The last real party we had at our house however, was a couple of years ago for New Years Eve, and I was still drinking a little, but my husband was a few months sober. A lot of his (now former) friends were there, and giving him a hard time about not drinking. They were calling him weak, and he felt really uncomfortable and completely pushed out of the core group in his own home. It was so bad, we had to ask people to leave (we even drove a few friends home just to get them out of our house) and my husband was so angry to the point where he got so down, he spiraled into one of the worst bipolar episode's I've ever seen him in over the following week's. So throwing a party was going to be risky, I didn't know how he was going to react.
That period of his life really made him see who his real friends were, and he cut a few of them out of his life after that night. He still persevered with a couple though, they were cut out a little while later. A lot of his friends never expected him to get sober. He was always the life of the party, and would always end up doing something stupid, or end up hurting himself, or having an episode which was just hilarious to his friends. Not so hilarious to the people who truly cared about him though and had to pick up the pieces the following day and week, until he did it all over again the next weekend. These weren't great times in our life, and were certainly the catalyst for me getting 100% sober as well. I never wanted my husband to feel like an outsider again, especially in his own house.
But we haven't had a decent party at our house since we've both been sober. We've been to other people's parties, we're out at gig's where people are drinking most weekends, and we don't have a problem with what other people are doing, because we can go home if we start feeling uncomfortable, or if people start giving us shit, or if we really can't be bothered putting up with drunken dickhead's at the time. But it's different in your own home.
We live with my sister and our best friend, and the girls both still drink, although not very often. The parties dried up once we got sober, because generally we were the instigators... "Oh someone farted, lets have a party!" We would use any excuse in the world to have every one of our mates over at our place for a bbq and a piss up. But since we got sober, they've been few and far between... and since we became vegan, nobodies too keen on bbq's at our place either haha.
Anyway, I decided to risk it, and throw hubby a surprise party. I knew he would only want really close friends and family, so I only invited his nearest and dearest. All the people who I know for sure, not only do they love and adore him, but are very supportive and understanding and even encouraging of our sobriety.
Most people would assume that since my husband decided to give up drinking, it would be because I made him. This couldn't be further from the truth. We were actually on our honeymoon, and it occurred to us that we had barely drunk while we were away. We were staying in Cairns/Port Douglas area, very tropical and very much the cocktail capital of Australia. We'd bought a bottle of Malibu, Vodka and Midori on arrival so that we could drink Midori Splices to our hearts content (our favourite tropical North Queensland drink).
But after a week and a half there, we'd had about 3 drinks each over the whole time. We realised that it was because it was just the 2 of us, we were comfortable, and it wasn't a social trip, it was our honeymoon, and we didn't want hangovers or to be spending all day in bed or on the couch feeling like crap. We also noticed how good we felt... and how happy we were, not drinking. So on our last night, my husband tipped the remaining alcohol down the sink (a very important symbolic action in my opinion) and said "I'm never drinking again" and for the first time ever, he meant it. So I said "Well I'll give up to support you then".
And I did for about three months.
Then hubby said, 'I'm okay to do this on my own, if you want to start drinking you can'. I didn't know what to do. At first I was like "Sweet, I'm getting on it!" But then I thought "Doesn't he think I can stop drinking forever?" I was really offended. On one hand, I had really only given up to support him because he was really the one with the problem right? Not me, I was fine.... Wasn't I? Those first three months had been pretty easy. We'd come home, made it really clear to everyone we weren't drinking, and that this was the best outcome for my husbands mental health. Everyone seemed pretty supportive, and understood. They had seen my husband's behavior when he drank, so it was pretty clear cut. But then people started saying "But not forever yeah, you'll just give up for a while?" I didn't really know, I just knew that if my husband was happy and safe, then so was I. But then being faced with the opportunity to start again while he stayed sober, I was so conflicted. Was I a hypocrite? Did I guilt him into giving up? Did I need to drink? I'd gotten used to being comfortable in social situations sober. I got used to feeling good on Sunday morning. I got used to being the sober couple. Could I really go back, while my husband moved forward?
So I decided to play it by ear. If I felt like drinking, I would, if I didn't then I wouldn't. Then I noticed it slowly creeping back in. A drink here, a bottle of champagne there. Bad day? I'd have a drink. But it felt wrong now. I didn't enjoy it. I'd worked hard to not need it anymore. So I made up my mind that I'd have a couple of drinks at my 30th, then that was it. Until the next night when I got really drunk after skulling 5 beers in an hour at an Exodus gig with a mate. I felt really shit. Like I'd let myself down, I was stronger than this.
So I decided not to say anything to anyone, I just wouldn't drink anymore. But six months later, I took one for the team and got really really drunk at my sisters Birthday, just because I wanted her to have fun. Stupid huh? That's when I decided to give up for myself and nobody else. I haven't had a drink since, over a year now.
But back to the party. Hubby was very surprised, and had a great time. Most people drank like normal (didn't hold back because of us buzz killers), and it doesn't bother us at all anymore, as long as nobody hassles us, which they didn't. Everyone joked about how much trouble they had buying presents. What do you buy a sober vegan for their 30th? And then the speeches happened and that's when it really hit me. How ridiculously proud I am of my husband. How much he's changed for the better. He's been sober 3 and a 1/2 years. He's weeded out dumb shit friends who weren't interested in his happiness and who kicked him when he was down. He's doing what he loves. He has an amazing group of real friends, including his band mates who are the most amazing people on the planet. Our whole family was there, and people who truly love and support him. He's truly happy, and not because the old ball and chain made him stop drinking and partying, but because he's doing what he wants to do. And to be honest, I've never been happier either.
So, I guess I just wanted to say a huge Happy 30th to my gorgeous husband, but to also leave you all with this message... who are you drinking for? Who are you doing other things in your life for? Are you truly happy and are you being the best you can be? I'm not saying you shouldn't drink, or do anything else for that matter, but just ask yourself if there are things in your life that aren't making you happy. Because you are the only person you need to answer to. And if you do have a drinking or drug problem, or gambling problem, ask yourself who your giving up for, because if the answer doesn't begin and end with you, its not going to work.
Its not being selfish to want to be the best version of yourself....
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